The many sides of Being a Woman – And Somewhere in There, You
I recently had some new photographs taken for my website and, as you do, I asked family and friends to help me choose the best one.
It was interesting to see which photographs they chose – but even more interesting to hear their explanations.
“That one looks like you.”
“That one shows your personality.”
“You look really happy in this one.”
“This is how I see you.”
And even “actually I prefer the old one”, the one I now disliked, as it didn’t feel like me.
And it made me stop and think.
How do other people see me? And is that the same as how I see myself?
What surprised me was that there was sometimes quite a mismatch between the two.
The photograph I might have dismissed was the one somebody else felt captured me perfectly. The things I noticed about myself weren't necessarily the things they saw at all.
And it got me thinking about something much bigger than choosing a photograph.
Who are you?
It's such a simple question, isn't it?
But as women, I wonder how often our answer is actually a list of the roles we play.
I'm a wife.
I'm a mother.
I'm a sister.
I'm an aunt.
I'm a friend.
For much of my working life, I was also the corporate woman – and later the education professional. The woman with responsibilities, deadlines, meetings and decisions to make. The person other people came to for answers.
And every one of those roles is part of me.
Some have brought enormous joy. Some have challenged me. Some have changed as I've grown older. And some have probably shaped me in ways I don't even realise.
But there's a question underneath all of them.
Where, amongst all those roles, is simply me?
The many versions of us
Perhaps you recognise this too.
There can be so many versions of us.
There's the woman who gets things done at work.
The woman who remembers the birthdays, buys the presents and organises the family get-togethers.
The mother who worries – even when her children are grown.
The wife or partner who considers someone else's needs alongside her own.
The daughter who may suddenly find herself caring for ageing parents.
The sister, aunt, friend or colleague who listens when somebody needs to talk.
And then there is the version of you that other people see.
Perhaps they see someone confident and capable, dependable, strong, organised.
The person who always seems to cope.
Yet the woman looking back at you in the mirror may sometimes feel very different.
She might feel tired, overwhelmed, unsure of herself.
She may wonder where her confidence went or why the things that once mattered to her don't seem quite as important anymore.
And perhaps that is where the mismatch begins.
When did you stop seeing yourself?
I don't think we deliberately lose sight of ourselves.
It happens gradually.
Life gets busy.
There are careers to build, families to raise, relationships to nurture, homes to run and people who need us.
We become very good at noticing what everyone else needs.
And somewhere along the way, we can become less good at asking:
What do I need?
Not what does my family need from me?
Not what needs doing at work?
Not what's for dinner, who needs picking up, what deadline is looming or what have I forgotten?
Just:
What do I need?
For some women, that question can be surprisingly difficult to answer.
When life begins to change
There can come a point in our 40s, 50s and beyond when some of those familiar roles begin to shift.
Children grow up and need us differently.
Careers change or perhaps no longer give us the same sense of purpose.
Relationships evolve.
Our bodies change.
Menopause may arrive and bring its own physical and emotional challenges.
Things that we tolerated for years may suddenly feel less tolerable.
And perhaps, for the first time in a very long while, there is a little space to think about ourselves.
That can feel exciting.
But it can also feel unsettling.
Because if you've spent decades being everything to everybody else, who are you when you begin making room for yourself again?
Maybe it's not about finding the old you
We often talk about wanting to “get back to ourselves”.
But I've started to wonder whether that's really what we need.
Perhaps we don't need to go backwards at all.
The woman you were at 25 or 35 hadn't experienced everything you have experienced now.
She hadn't learned all the things you've learned.
She hadn't faced the challenges you've faced, loved the people you've loved or made the mistakes you've made.
So perhaps this stage of life isn't about finding the woman you used to be.
Perhaps it's about becoming curious about the woman you are now.
What does she enjoy?
What gives her energy?
What drains it?
What does she want more of?
What is she ready to let go of?
And perhaps the most important question of all:
What does she need?
Making some space for you
You don't have to reinvent your entire life to reconnect with yourself.
Sometimes it begins with something very small.
Taking a walk because you want to.
Sitting with a cup of tea without simultaneously doing three other things.
Trying something you've always been curious about.
Saying no without immediately providing an explanation.
Making an appointment that is purely for your own wellbeing.
Or simply spending a little time noticing how you actually feel.
At Grounded Grace Collective, this is something I feel increasingly passionate about.
The therapies I offer may be different – Reflexology, Reiki, vibrational sound and RTT® Hypnotherapy – but running through all of them is something much simpler:
creating time and space for you.
A space where, for a little while, you don't have to be the wife, mother, sister, aunt, colleague, organiser, problem-solver or person who holds everything together.
You can simply be you.
And back to that photograph…
Perhaps that's why choosing a photograph turned into something much more thought-provoking than I expected.
The people around us see versions of us that we don't always recognise ourselves.
Maybe sometimes they see our warmth when we're looking at our wrinkles.
Our confidence when we're noticing our imperfections.
Our strength when we're remembering the moments we struggled.
Our personality when we're concentrating on whether the photograph is flattering.
And perhaps there's something rather lovely about that.
So next time you look at a photograph of yourself, try not to immediately look for the things you'd like to change.
Instead, ask yourself:
What might the people who love me see when they look at this woman?
And then perhaps ask an even more important question:
Who do I see – and am I making enough space in my life for her?
Because underneath all the roles, responsibilities and expectations, you are still there.
And perhaps it's time to get reacquainted.
Grounded Grace Collective
Pause. Reset. Reconnect